The (actual) Plot Twist

Don't wanna live as an untold story
Rather go out in a blaze of glory
I can't hear you, I don't fear you

I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don't wanna take my time
Don't wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
It could have been me
It could have been me, yeah

—     Could Have Been Me by: Halsey (Sing 2)

Mid week last week ten days prior to visiting day we got the news— canceled.

I was actually prepared for it since the month before when I was seeing the handwriting on the walls. Camps were cancelling, and I knew based upon last summer’s story and plot twist, history might repeat itself— it usually does…

Funny thing about these summer stories the premise is the same season after season.  I’m beginning to think the plot twist is not as twisty or didn’t see it coming anymore I did see after all. Or at least the one popular belief coins as the plot twist— there’s actually two.

So keep reading…

Most of the time regardless of a juicy YA or a fairy tale rom-com we know there will be some kind of happy ending. We know the middle of all of them might be akin to salt water taffy, semi-sweet, gritty and graceful when stretched out, but sticky and not really messy just gets in the way but in a way it’s supposed to. Sand in between your toes. These seasonal reads are supposed to be light and keep your attention and not feel so bad if you put it down for a week or skim through a chapter or two chances are you won’t miss anything earth shattering.

That’s how my chapters have been going in my personal beach read this summer. A happy tale without many earth shattering surprises.

But then there has to be some kind of turn of events, plot twist, or one surprise element  left to learn that changes the whole rest of the story. Or why would we ever finish the book…

Things left unwritten are worse than things left unsaid.

So we read on. Then there it is — the sentence or two that shifts your own story’s perspective and hang on tight for the happy ending but ultimately hope it lasts long after your done reading. The part you will rethink your own life from that moment on.

The news of not seeing my son following his birthday gave me an infinite amount of feelings. No visiting day. But if I dare say there was an element of relief because seeing him and then leaving him could be harder than waiting to see him a few weeks later— on both of us.

He’s so happy. He’s thriving. He’s having the summer you can only wish for and a birthday celebration that was truly epic. My heart is full and my eyelashes have a fresh coat of mascara. I truly believe in the saying you’re only as unhappy as your happiest child— and this summer I have two of them. So the cancellation wasn’t my plot twist this summer.

It was that I was about to cancel myself out.

I bet no one saw that coming, not even myself, until it would be a few bullies who took up free rent in my mind and Uber ate away at my confidence I worked so hard for. I was standing there ready to throw in the towel on my mental health membership and my mommylogue.

I know haters are going to hate and players are going to play but I didn’t know that it’s the ones you least expect to disappoint you. When the people who you thought were your friends become frienemies and grown-ups act childish, tease and bully, and do worse than steal your thunder but rain on your parade— after a wickedly good blow out— I  was left with two choices. Sadly the first plot twist made me vulnerable but the words of a few foolish made me feel like a fool. And out came my natural curls and my tears.

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But names can never harm me…

But they did.

Worse.

They broke my heart.

Bullies don’t grow up—  they age and their jokes stay juvenile. But their middle school playground games are immortal.

So I quit.

That’s the actual plot twist.

I shut the shit down. No! Not the negative outside noise. My writing and my following— my inside voice. My diary. I didn’t want to be anyones fool especially my own.

I’m too old to be teased by people who clearly have never grown up or worse accomplished their own dreams, so they tried to ruin mine.

I know that sounds childish, too. How could I let their stupid words and snickers stop me. People tease what they don’t understand or didn’t do themselves. I know this because I have grown up. Not because I’ve been the teaser but the teased.

These are the times I wish I had the confidence my boys have. That one that makes them so magnetic. The ones I instilled in them. Filled them with and now they pour from.

But what else could I do… what are you supposed to do when you have all the feels and no place to put them…

I can’t pour from an empty cup. Even though some days I do. That day I couldn’t find a drop even for myself.

Then…

It would be the most and least likely person to stand up for me and stand by me that reminded me of my why.

It’s true the love you receive is only matched by the love you give. I love with all of me and I was equally loved with all I needed.

My purpose has always been my family and specifically my children. I am driven by them.

But—

I needed a bigger sign. A reason to not fully hit delete or cancel on myself.

24 hours before my older sons birthday, there under my feet with my little one’s hand in mine was a lucky penny and a forecast for a pending heat wave. My hands and heart were full again.

Nine years ago my hands were empty until a lucky penny and a heat wave changed my heart and life forever.

Now, fast forward, my hands are full in the best ways possible and luck struck me twice. Impossible but true.

Love

Science

Magic

So I refreshed myself and my mascara and blow out and decided to go dancing in the dark. It’s part of my mental health membership. Work out my most important muscle.

“Contrary to years of popular misconceptions, the going up won’t change you, the change happens in the going down. That’s where you see the definition.”

He was talking about lifting weights and creating muscle. And as we flexed these small weights in the dark room to the rhythmic beat while my feet pedaled to no where in particular, I was thinking this kind of muscle definition had less to do with trying to avoid Florida arms and more about how we handle the roller coasters of life and that weight of it all.

The (actual) plot twists.

Most people think the downward is filled with speed and no need to do much because gravity will get you there, but it will also bring you down or maybe better— define you.

It defines me. The low moments are what make the highs even better. Raising above the times you feel canceled and let you enjoy all the feels.

Right now I’m in the middle of my summer story. I had two major plot twists. But there are a handful more chapters left in the book for this summers beach read.

There might even be some other hidden moments I won’t see coming, but I’m excited for them.

I was down but I’m not out…

Last night, with all my feels tucked away, I went out with friends who fill my cup as much as I fill theirs and a few new ones who quickly did the same. We laughed and shared and enjoyed the sweet moments in the sticky summer night heat. Like that salt-water taffy.

I went out but not down…

I’m filled with the same grit and grace…

And because I don’t want to miss this summer’s happily ever after…

I’m going to put a bookmark in right now because I’m going to go dancing in the dark again.

TBC…

One conversation, a simple moment

The things that change us if we notice

When we look up sometimes

 They said I would never make it

But I was built to break the mold

The only dream that I've been chasing is my own

 So I sing a song for the hustlers trading at the bus stop

Single mothers waiting on a check to come

Young teachers, student doctors

Sons on the front line knowing they don't get to run

This goes out to the underdog

Keep on keeping at what you love

You'll find that someday soon enough

You will rise up, rise up, yeah

Everybody rise up

—     Underdog By: Alicia Keys