Under The Same Stars

It's crazy I'm thinking

Just knowing that the world is round

And here, I'm dancing on the ground

Am I right side up or upside down?

And is this real, or am I dreaming?

— Crush : Dave Matthews Band

8:45 PM on a Tuesday, on the cusp of my half birthday, right in the middle of a crowd of people, standing very close together, I finally took a deep breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I needed that.

How beautiful it is to take a deep breath.

It was 14 days since my first rodeo with getting COVID — Being a rookie in this virus had me honestly wondering if I might just narrowly escape it. But then my naturally raspy voice turned scratchy, and I just knew. It’s like another kind of intuition. On a different kind of test strip 2 lines appeared. A way different feeling and intuition than the last time I saw lines appear on another test strip.

Very little in life can we fully plan because we can’t fully control the outcome.

But there is something we can control—

It would be 10 days at the most inopportune time of my life all my plans became out of my control.

Mid June— the time of year when I needed to do 100 things in each day for 100 people— but the universe had other plans for me. It kicked my ass, and shut me down.

I honestly don’t remember ever being shut down or having my ass kicked quite like this before.

Ironically the timeline would get me back on my feet and become a better fighting weight just in time for my little one to have his big birthday and my older one to leave for his second summer at sleep away camp. Just so I could get back to life and living and loving again. I went from 0 to 100 in 10 days in a way I never did before.

Breathless.

A covid ass kicking really knocked the wind out of me.

But the funny thing about being down is you don’t have to be out. That’s in your control.

But then last night around 8:45 when I looked up at the finally fading daylight I realized what I really needed was to take a real deep breath.

Let it in and out.

June was wild.

Fucking wild.

It’s left us feeling heavy.

Out of shape.

Feeling like where does this all fit into my little world and the bigger one we live in.

It’s now at that point in June when it’s basically July. The 4th of July weekend is edging closer and it’s the official kick off of the summer season.

The endless daylight fills the atmosphere until your body just needs sleep and you awake to sunlight again. If you don’t pay attention you might miss the night sky.

It was not until a night out under the stars with my OG and friends — the ones we came with and the ones around me who all looked familiar, at a concert at the beach with live music that I let myself get swept away in just how magical a summer night sky looks and feels. And as my mind and my heart wandered to my boys and the newly minted summer season I realized when I looked up no matter the miles between us— we are all under the same twinkling lights and creamsicle and periwinkle sky.

I took a deep breath— again.

Slower.

Now I know, firsthand, the side effects of getting and not getting covid are similar. They take your breath away. But ultimately it’s up to me to find it again. Somewhere in my personal lost and found box it’s there. My breath.

Then my phone vibrated— snapped me back to the moment. Not another txt chain exchange from the endless group chats. This time it was something else. An “alert” about getting in summer shape. I had to reread it a few times because it was not telling me how to squeeze into a bikini but fitting into something else that’s just my size … it wasn’t actually a size at all but a shape and it said “forget physique— there’s a new hot health trend out — mental health and it’s all the rage.”

Our nation has been on the brink of so much.

We’re either all out of shape or out of breath from it all.

And our children, our families and our mommies are in desperate need for this kind of mind and body connection. A deep breath. A mental health work out.

For so many of us our most underdeveloped muscle is our mindset. Our mentality is “skinny fat”. It needs to get toned.

So maybe it was the contact high, the electric energy, the good hair weather, or just realizing I need to do just that— breathe. Because it is something we can control right now. I decided in the middle of the Dave Matthews Band concert and the one good song from his set list last night I’m going to “Crush” this summer.

Camp is in full swing. School just ended. The sound of the big yellow buses with happy children and seasonal energy fills the space where I’m over thinking and wondering about a million other things.

My children. One away and one home. Both happy campers. I know without asking— I should join them, but I have yet to come down from full time mommy mode and not being at the pulse of the moment like I am ¾ of the year. The heart of the double duty. It’s like the climb of the roller coaster up— and then the rush of it all fills into the spaces of where my mind and heart beat and race in tandem I am reminded of this: no matter where we all are we are all under the same stars.

So I looked up at the pinpoint lights and listened to the acoustic guitar playing and let myself just go and be free.

It was my first exercise in my mental health membership.

Let go and let flow.

Deep breath.

I know wholeheartedly I can’t change our world’s climate. Over turning anything these days has led to bad changes and choices. I can only adjust my changes and choices for a better tomorrow.

With Independence Day eminently approaching I watch as women globally are declaring themselves and their choices regardless of what others are trying to strip away. We are the holders of our 2 lines and the feelings they give us.

Right ?

Right !

I woke up this morning and like a rush of the down of the roller coaster I realized this: on all the moments that took my breath, broke my heart, made me think, cry, giggle, and grow up— just like my boys did is what it really means to get into shape.

These roller coasters that make us hold our breath and catch it are something we did it together for better or worse and through thick and thin. Vows aren’t just for a wedding ceremony but the pledge you make the day your period is late and you pee on that stick.

You’re either all in or your out of touch.

Driving to get my car inspected as the month comes to a close I was half listening to the radio. Because I was still hearing the instrumental riffs from the night before in my ear.

For some reason my Sirius satellite radio got stuck on the country western station. I secretly always like country music — it’s a story set to a melody. Not like a showtune or musical theater but the soundtrack of our lives.

A man with a guitar and catchy hook of a chorus summed it all up—

the struggles makes you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful

Tears will fall sometimes

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride

— Life isn’t always beautiful —Gary Allan

That was my second exercise in my mental health membership.

Listen to the lyrics.

Deep breath.

I have a feeling this summer is going to be a great adventure with a whole new set of plot twists that will ultimately help me get into the shape I have been looking to feel my best in for a while now.

This is the new take on hot mommy summer…