A Love Letter to Myself

“May the way I look at you, the way I speak with you and the way I treat you, reflect the truth that… I have loved you since forever” — Steve Maraboli

 Don’t judge what you can’t see…

Sometimes it’s smoke and mirrors and a fresh coat of mascara that I cried off right before applying a new layer. Now I don’t have to wear a fake smile because I’m protected by my mask when I don’t want to feel happy, insincerely.

A mommy with clean kids shouldn’t always have a clean car or freshly washed hair, but her soul and heart are always pure: 99 ¾ %.

Some days are good some days are not. Some days are some and nowhere in between.

I took a trip down memory lane this week. To my life at another time. I was in awe of what I was, and little did I know what I was going to become and wish I had known I was already amazing. Before all the things that feel like they have always been here. A time I was ringless and responsibility-free. No children of my own but my inner child and electric youth.

I decided to write her this letter:  the old me. From the “older me.” Things I wish I could have told her then that I’m not sure I even know now but am beginning to just figure out. Kinda ... I wrote her a love letter. No! Not because it’s February, but because I’m not very good at loving her then and still now.

Not the way I love everyone else at least.

I struggled with the words; they got in the way. Funny for someone who seems to always have the right ones to say to everyone else no matter what. She makes me nervous. Like I’m going to disappoint her. Fail her. But I haven’t really yet, so I guess why I would now. ..

“how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you...” — Rupi Kaur

I told her the best is yet to come and just when you think the best is here it’s still yet to come -- again. But you are still having the best; for now, or then I guess.

Live in the moments. They come and go so quickly, but they are supposed to so we can reflect on them. Learn and grow from them (I know this because it’s the “older me” talking, so I’m sorta wiser now and a mommy.)

You are going to fall in love in ways you had no idea you could with a total stranger, and twice! And it’s not cheating. It’s encouraged actually. You’re going to have your heartbroken into a million little pieces, too, but each time it breaks you will become stronger for it.

You will do hard, dirty, wild things that you never knew you could and don’t think you can again and will — but even better.

When you get to listen to your music make sure you remember the lyrics — they are going to speak to very differently now. Even the songs that once were your favorites; they will mean something entirely different every time you hear them now, trust me… Oh and don’t forget to dance… Dancing is a must!

You will be hungry and tired, but you’re supposed to be. You will feed everyone else and give them the sweet dreams that you wish for them will come true and stay awake waiting to hear all about them the next morning. Or spray an extra spritz of your signature “sweet dreams mist” in the air so nightmares dare not enter.

You will forgive the moments of the past -- the hard, dirty, wild, and heartbreaking ones, that you thought defined you then and you will redefine them now.

You will have to have all the answers, and some of them you will probably make up but they will sound professional. If you get stuck you can google it. If you can’t, don’t worry … there’s always going to be someone you didn’t ask who seems to think they know everything— especially more than you. Just nod and smile — because they don’t! Wing it. Like eyeliner. It’s cool and trendy: both the eyeliner and these fantastic answers.

You will grow up all over again, differently. You will make new friends with people you wouldn’t have met if not for these people you fell head over in heels in love with— twice. They will become you’re bestest friends you wish you knew years ago but feel like you did.

You will finally make the cheerleading squad, and instantly coined “the captain”, but this time you will truly be rooting for the home team even when they play away— you will just root louder so it echoes in the wind and travels the distance to their hearts.

You will grow apart and together with the person, “your person” —OG,  who you created the wicked combination of love, science, and magic with to make and meet these total strangers. Your perfect strangers. The journey you choose to stay on will be determined by your brick and mortar when the storms come. How long you can handle the rain until you get to the somewhere over the rainbow with and see the same colors and new shades, too.

You will feel invisible and lonely sometimes, but you will catch your reflection in your heart walking around outside yourself. It will be these total strangers who will become your greatest accomplishments and achievements— your renaissance.

And just when you feel alone, you will have to pee and then you will have an audience: a live audience, and you might even have to explain “your friend” and what happened to your penis; delicately you will explain how you have this “friend” who gives you a “boo-boo” when it comes to town but who you hope keeps coming to visit, so you don’t meet any more amazing total strangers— twice was more than enough— one for each hand and even half of your heart. And it didn’t break, it’s a vagina. Then you will pray they ask for a snack— before dinner. You will encourage it actually.

You might not wear high heels everyday anymore and trade them in for expensive sneakers that are not meant to keep you in shape, maybe fit in to the crowd or maybe follow the Dr. Seuss adage  “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”  But you will grow taller when spotting the authenticity of certain people you meet in the counting the inches of these other people’s nosying around.

You will wake up one morning and just when you think life makes sense it won’t. But it’s ok because you already know everything happens for a reason and finding out the reason takes time -- a long time sometimes. But patience is something you are incredibly gifted in.

You will still need your mommy and daddy not to be the grandparents but your parents because sometimes we do even after the fact. And it’s ok. You will understand it because you are now a parent, and your children need you. It’s the circle of life.

You will find your voice but will need practice in how to use it and you will get better at it until it becomes your talent, your inspiring instrument.

There’s so much more I wanted to tell her, but I am only sort of in the middle of the book of life— hers and mine so I am putting in the bookmark— the climax or the plot twist could arrive at anytime and it’s too soon to tell her how it’s going to conclude…

So, I didn’t finish the letter. I am not going to sign it yet, either. She will read what I wrote, and she will do with it what she wants. She’s very independent. But I hope she listens to what I wrote and knows that she is loved. I will love her better moving forward. I won’t wait so long to write her again and tell her I love her. ..