Teardrops

No more tears left to cry…well maybe just this week…

Did you know that the most expensive liquid in the world is a tear?

It contains 1% water and 99% feelings.

I didn’t realize how much value saltwater has until I realized my tears are priceless.

I have cried every kind of tear a person can shed…

And what they are worth is immense.

Life like an Oreo cookie or a bologna sandwich— I don’t really like those but somehow they always make the reference— the middle is said to be the best part. What gets sandwiched between the moments of how it starts and how it will culminate. Yet the middle would not be the part we relish if we didn’t have the other sides to hold it all together.

Well I have been waiting for my middle moment with much anticipation for a while now.

In summers past, the middle has always been the plot twist to My personal beach read. But either I’m not getting one this summer or I got it already and didn’t realize it because it feels differently this time—

Funny thing is I don’t always know what the middle might be or when it was but I knew that I hadn’t been there yet because something felt like I was still getting there…

This summer is just that. June. July. August. Is July my middle moment?

Not necessarily and not not necessarily, too.

The thing about the middle moment is that it can and does happen in the middle of the day. Even on a Tuesday. And other times I miss them completely until I look back and realized I might not have enjoyed them enough as I should and could have.

My scrapbook has reached a remarkable milestone this week. It is now officially a decade old.

My oldest son turned 10 and I realized I have been doing the mommy thing for just as long.

I began this summer with my little ones birthday on the first day of summer vacation.

He’s six now.

I’m well into the mommying thing. I’m not a rookie and I’m not close to retirement age— is that even a thing when you’re a mommy ?! Do you ever stop doing it? Or does it morph into other phases like all other aspects of life ? I’m probably not exactly in the middle either, but I have some sort of experience. Some things that I can put on a resume— I think…

I can change a diaper and make a bottle. Sing you a nursery rhyme or 100. I’m Michelin- rated in the grilled cheese department and I’m well-versed in all pop culture all things TikTok and SnapChat. I know all the free agents and basketball trades and how much energy of a rare Pokémon card is worth. I can do elementary school math and the best way to make you a reader and writer. I even have a handful of STEAM lessons up my sleeve. And maybe a couple of more hidden gems…

Ok! Ok ! maybe I don’t give myself enough credit and I’m way more than all that but — that’s where I’m at— on middle of this Tuesday…

But then comes the hard part. The part when I have to do something I have never done before. No reference point. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I’m in virgin territory for someone who isn’t a virgin in the organic sense of the word.

Say goodbye on sleep away camp visiting day. Split my heart in all these places at the same time. Never have I ever—

It was the most magical, emotional day. Like that time I rode the Disney World rockin’ roller coaster got off and felt morning sickness but I was not pregnant. I felt the highs and lows, started backwards and feel up side down at times all in the first 90 seconds. Time literally stands still and then when you think all you have is time— it’s up. Times up!

You have been inside a blissful bubble for the better part of twelve hours and then just as you let yourself go, take a deep breath—it’s up. Times up!

And without any control the saltwater explosion from your eyes flow and flood.

Dark sunglasses and waterproof mascara don’t work.

Nothing works.

All in that moment you have to accept that the anticipation, exhilaration that is simultaneously met with a systematic culmination. And 99% of everything you feel gives you 100% of all the feels.

But then I remember that I can do hard things. I have done hard things before and will again. And I raised my children just the same.

I know visiting day shouldn’t be in the category of hard things but it is now. For better or worse it’s a hard thing. But a beautiful thing. Knowing how much you love someone in a way you didn’t know you could love them.

Love is a pure evolution.

Love is constant.

It can make you, break you and have every kind of feel.

I never thought I didn’t have a multi- dimensional love for my children. Singularly and collectively. Until I did something I never did before.

I remember the first day of drop off in the 2’s. A lifetime ago and just yesterday— they taught us this phrase “mommy always comes back.” It was meant to be reassuring— I actually think to both of us… but it was not until years later that I needed a new phrase at this drop off… “it’s not goodbye but see you soon.” — I actually still think it’s for both of us…

Because goodbye is so final.

So bittersweet.

So saltwater.

It’s the forever mommy in me. Trying to find the solution before there’s an actual problem. We needed something that was an easier elixir to swallow. A virgin drink or an underage chaser.

We took it down— the both of us— hard and as fast as we could without puking.

We did it! The hard thing!

I left with these gumball-sized tears on my lash line and streaming down my sun-drenched cheeks. But I knew it was going to be ok.

We are all going to be ok.

Good actually.

Summer 2023 is a good one.

I actually think we’re in the middle now and can’t call it great until it’s officially over— but it might just be…

I have had a few moments since our “see you soon” moment where that very saltwater has crowded the corners of my eyes, but I remembered doing hard things for the first time changes you. It gives you a milestone that you didn’t have before. It fills your scrapbook with a new memory. A new moment.

And I then remembered this— a mommy is only as sad as most unhappy children and both of mine are the happiest…

So I assume I need to take the summer school lesson from my best teachers I know, my children, and be the happiest, too!

The summer is flying by.

Soon we will be past the middle of it. Onto the other bookend. The chapter of my book will have come to a close. So I don’t think I want to miss any more best parts. I want to be part of them no matter how many 99% of them make me feel…